1.) When your kid creeps in your room complaining that he’s scared in the middle of the night, pray for him and send him back to bed. Your bed was not made for more than two, no matter the size.

2.) Don’t teach them things that they will annoy you with later. Whistling, Talking, Reading, etc. You know, the good stuff!

3.) Have a dance party about 5-10 min before bed to tire them out. Or you can have a dance party to avoid hearing the whining about them not being sleepy yet.

4.) If you have to make a choice between vacationing to Disney World or a few weekends at the movies. Keep your money and see every kid movie playing! Up the ante with popcorn and candy! I’m just saying it’s like 4 experiences for 1/8 of the cost! Kids don’t appreciate crap!!!

5.) Don’t let your kid wipe their own butt even if you think they can. It’s just not worth it. 

6.) Eating habits change like every week so after the 3rd change, stop making them a plate at dinner…… Don’t worry, they won’t cry longer than an hour or two or three. Just hang in there! 

7.) Create a family bucket list. Here’s the kicker: Be sure to include adventures where you can bribe a sitter to tag along to watch the kiddos while you sneak away to get wasted (or whatever)!  

8.) Don’t take them to the grocery store or Target with you. Ever. Period.

9.) Use car rides as a chance to play the quiet game. Okay, turn up the radio but be careful or they’ll embarrass you when you least expect it. 

10.) Teach them values that will help them to be great people. Remember you said you’d never do the things your mom did! 🙂